she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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