she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They took my balls.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
