every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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