So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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