Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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