I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
