does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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