quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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