Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
