Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize