just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
