You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
