This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
