Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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