Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
