Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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