And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
