she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You are a genius and a whore.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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