I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
