Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
