Where are you?
In a non slutty way
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
