I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
