I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
