Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
