oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
