Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
