dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
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