I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?