Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked