I haven't been this sober since birth.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
