I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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