guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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