Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
