I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
