tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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