I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
