I'm going to jail i love you
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
