what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
