so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
