Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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