I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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