Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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