I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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