Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
