captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize