i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
