Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
