So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
