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Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My cat gives me a boner
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
His nipple licking is glorious
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