Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Randomize
