Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
