I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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