my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
