Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
