when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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