I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
