Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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