and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize