also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
