He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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