I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
