I'm drive I can fine osifer
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
