I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
