Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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