You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
